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Friday, June 19, 2009

We're Here, We're Queer, We're Taking ELVIS With Us When We Leave!!!!! OR, Decoding THE PURPLE GANG 

OK, so, my new book Advanced Elvis Course is OUT, and I do mean OUT, as the reviews (while they've been really good reviews) are finally mentioning the queer content of the book. Well, it's making some Elvis fans INSANE with rage that I would DARE make Elvis MY OWN, for me, as who I am. I've gotten called Faggot by a few, but I was called Faggot more often than my actual name in high school, so, eh, it has no real bullet penetration for me anymore.

One dude wrote to me, "You know Elvis was straight, don't you?"

First of all, NO, I don't know that, and neither does Dude. I think it's VERY SAFE to say that YES, Elvis liked women, and liked them A LOT! But who is to say that he didn't also like men?

So I wrote back to Dude, "OH REALLY!? LET'S GO OVER THE LYRICS TO "JAILHOUSE ROCK" TOGETHER, SHALL WE?????"

"Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone
Little Joe was blowin on his slide trombone. (yeah, BONE all right!)
The drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang, (OOOO! SOUNDS HOT!)
The whole rhythm section was the purple gang." PURPLE GANG?

There's not A SINGLE female pronoun or female name in this entire song, I challenge ANYONE to find her between the tromBONE and the purple gang! But wait, we're not finished (this will break the Elvis snow globe open!):

"Number 47 said to Number 3:
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company,
Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me."

WHAT????????? Number 47 and Number 3, those are prisoner numbers, right? There's no such thing as a co-ed prison in 2009, and I certainly don't believe there was one in 1957 either! But wait, we're not finished:

"Shifty Henry said to Bugs, for heavens sake,
No ones lookin, now's our chance to make a break.
Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said, nix nix,
I wanna stick around a while and get my kicks."

BUGSY is so turned on he's not even interested in escaping when he's got the chance! OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FAG SONG GIVE ME A BREAK THEY'RE ALL FAGS! This song is Prison Fantasy Fag Studies 101. "Jailhouse Rock" is a FAG song, END of fucking story!

AH, but wait, there's even more! There's THIS mysterious section:

"The sad sack was sittin on a block of stone
Way over in the corner weepin all alone.
The warden said, hey, buddy, don't you be no square.
If you can't find a partner use a wooden chair."

What's HE CRYING ABOUT!? "...weeping all alone." Was he just gang raped in the shower? He makes me a little sad. He makes me want to walk into the song, sit with him, hold his hand, and tell him, "It's OK Honey, it only hurts the first time. You'll see Sweety, it's going to get easier AND EASIER! You might even get to where you look FORWARD to shower time!"

Well, as you can imagine, this did NOT go over well with Dude, deconstructing "Jailhouse Rock" for him in this manner, to which he replied with the single word "PERVERT!" Ah, yes, Dude got that one right at least! Good one Dude, good one! All I'm trying to do is open Dude's mind, well, and his sphincter!

BRING IT ON BABY! I'VE BEEN TESTED BY FIRE FOR 43 YEARS AND STILL BURNING BRIGHT BABY, STILL BURNING BRIGHT!
CAConrad

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