PhillySound: new poetry

WHAT TO DO WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN
by Dave Black
Skyhorse Publishing, 2007
$12.95

Have you seen this book? It's a comprehensive guide to surviving disasters such as nuclear bombs, terrorist attacks and civil unrest, and it's in all the chain bookstores these days, shelved under HOME REFERENCE, right next to Martha Stewart's books on how to make bird feeders and the perfect door knocker from old broom handles. There's a "small arms primer" section where Black informs us, "Experts pretty much agree that 9 mm is as small as you should go, and anything larger than a .38 Special or .357 Magnum is too big. Other considerations to make are price, your physical size, and hand strength. Revolvers are safer than semi-automatics, but semi-automatics are quicker to load and easier to conceal."

Having grown up in a family where every man, woman and child learns how to shoot pistols, rifles and shotguns, and uses them on a regular basis, I'm not unfamiliar with the language, just no longer comfortable with it. In fact I am the only living member of my family to NOT own a gun, which freaks some of my family out, saying they worry about me, gunless.

He has a "body armor" section where he tells us, "Body armor has changed over the decades to the point where now it's possible to get reasonable protection in a vest made from soft woven fibers. This 'soft armor' is more tailored than traditional armor, making it easy to conceal and comfortable to wear." Black also covers how to survive a shipwreck, nuclear emergency, tornado, earthquake and other cheerful outcomes for your day. There's no doubt that this man knows his stuff! He knows how to purify water, treat wounds, turn a bucket into a sanitary latrine, and trust me when I say SO MUCH more!

I LOVE this world, I really, seriously do! HOWEVER, if there's ONE THING this book has made me aware of is that I'm entirely TOO LAZY for Armageddon! JUST reading the preparations in this book exhausts me! GEESH! FORGET IT! When I hear the apocalypse approaching I'm going to take my favorite candy bar blender drink (a little EXTRA vodka!) out to the curb, put 4 cigarettes in my mouth and wait for the approaching wall of fire to light them for me! Frankly I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm also not interested in living in a world with no libraries and bookstores and strawberry ice cream. Fuck it.

CAConrad