Tuesday, April 27, 2004

..................war, nea, and getting nuts 

Sassoon was treated badly because he was gay, besides for his objecting to the war. but besides that, the whole idea of wanting anything from yet another soldier makes me want to puke, frankly.

i'm not interested in reading their poems from the trenches or from their homes in Idaho after they return. there's really nothing new to learn from soldiers. murder is murder. period. the only thing that can be relished from the experience at this point in our grisly historical position is that they might actually develop a bold new LOVE from their murder. maybe they'll be transformed somehow. maybe they will have poems and stories different from those in the past. but i truly fucking doubt it.

war is not interesting to me. it's not entertainment, and i REFUSE to allow the goddamned news on television to lead me into thinking it is, with their disgraceful theme songs sounding like Rambo is back to kick more ass. the news is not a movie, it's real. the History Channel is not the world's history either, because our lives are not just about war, and that damn channel is JUST about war.

history is not war. how dare they tell us it is! war is a disruption of history. war is what breaks into lives, and yes, it's significant, but i challenge anyone to prove it's more significant than someone's great love beside them in the morning, and the story of that love. war is not the marker, it's a footnote! each of us and who we are is the real story. our blood is not pounding through our limbs to be a mere number in a death toll. FUCK Peter Jennings! and you know what? Peter Jennings has loved. don't you believe it's so? yeah! i want to hear about it! i want Peter Jennings to say, "I AM A TERRIFIC LOVER!" i want him to moon the camera and turn around and lick his lips and say "AHHHHHHHHHHHH, that was nice!"

HOW DARE THEY tell us we're not worthy of being in history books unless we've supported yet another room of rich men's game plans! HOW DARE THEY insist time be marked by the bloodshed of their nation building! HOW DARE THEY ignore pain of breaking hearts for the pain of broken cities! HOW DARE THEY make me angry when i really want to love! HOW DARE THEY not finally shut up and let their true needs be met!

numbers and identical desert-print fatigues is NOT the story either. each of those soldiers has a story also, so maybe you're right. it's such an emotional thing, all this SHIT about soldiers writing. maybe there are soldiers who will see for us with an honest set of eyes, and write it, and it will be an emblem for a new America.

i keep going back and forth on this, and SO WHAT if i do!? anger needs to be guided into a bonfire right about now!

my mother is angry at me because i'm not angry with her at the Iraqis who aren't GRATEFUL for "all we've done for them." she's been writing to several cousins of mine who are in the army and the marines, over there, right now. i know where she really comes from with this. she is thinking of these boys coming from NOTHING, zip, zero dollars, and there REALLY ISN'T much choice for making a wage in Camanche, Iowa. and she sees this, and is proud of them, and wants that pride to be shared, and wants NOT to admit that they are part of something which is very very wrong. and to be honest with you, i canNOT ask my mother to feel anything than what she's feeling. i disagree with her, but i keep it to myself mostly. it's a touchy, tough situation. and it's mostly about not having money, and not having room to have anything but shame for not having money. and then BOY OH BOY, you put on those uniforms, and you REALLY FEEL like SOMEONE! and i see that. and i understand that. and it's hard, but i don't judge that. being poor is ugly business.

by the way, what i said was that the NEA clipped the wings of certain organizations which happened to be very outspoken. the members of these organizations say so as well, by the way. when the NEA attacked Finley, as well as others, it was direct individual artists. this time it was NOT direct. this was quiet, simple, reallocation of funds, with a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about budget cuts, and about this year's committee making new decisions of their own. are you aware of all this? not sure you are. to use what has happened in the past with Finley is not really suitable in this case since we're dealing with an organization which has learned from its mistakes in dealing with those whom they do not wish to deal with.

anyway, it feels good to be writing about all this. the war has been something i've been mostly keeping an eye on, and talking about with others. Frank Sherlock has much information he reads and shares, and that's a wonderful gift to his friends, like me. but to be honest, i feel like a basket case when i get to writing about it. and that's my problem, and it's the least i can do, considering that i'm too much of a fucking coward to NOT pay my taxes, which in turn goes to making bullets and bombs, which kill innocent people. i'm ashamed of myself, in the end, for paying my taxes. i don't need to be a soldier to kill, just a tax payer.


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